I have a real feeling at the moment that everything is changing while everything stays the same. New people are coming into our lives as old ones are fading out and for the first time in a long time I am wishing that we could spin back time a few months and hold it there just a little longer. But then I realise that I am a lunatic and that we cannot stop time, we cannot turn back time, we just have to move onwards and forwards. Yes it may seem that really nothing has changed since last year. It may seem that all the goals I set for myself throughout my Aliyah have not all come to fruition, but as long as I sit here and dwell on what never was, I will miss out on what could and should really be. I know what I want for myself and only I can achieve that, even though it would be nice to push the hassle every now and then onto someone else. But the one good thing about looking back is learning from what you left behind you and as someone who has had her fair share of crutches in the past I think the time has come to stand on my own two feet and kick those crutches to the side… ok maybe I will take it step by step.
Last week finished with sickness as opposed to the fun Thursday night I had in mind and this Thursday night looks to be one of those evenings where we are all doing our own thing. Long gone are the summer evenings at Clara’s, buying vodka by the bottle and dancing in the sea at the end of the night. It is like the winter is freezing every bit of fun out of my nights and the only parts of my days that I look forward to are the gym and my bed. Not even my living situation is what it was and it is a lonely existence. Usually it would be about now that I would grab a bottle of wine, grab my mobile and message an ex, but not even that appeals right now. I don’t think it is depression, because I am not depressed and in the wide scheme of things I have nothing to be depressed about. I think I am tired of being boxed up and wrapped in a ribbon. I think I am just bored. Well tough shit I guess. Because if I want to get where I am going then I am going to be boxed and bored for a while and if I don’t like it… well I will just have to keep looking to the future with one eye over my shoulder. At least my hair is looking great at the moment.